


Heartstring

by Midnight Mouse (jabraille)



Category: Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Emotionally Repressed, Guilt, M/M, Memory Alteration, Mind Meld, Non-Explicit Sex, Repressed Memories, Self-Hatred, Shame
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-02
Updated: 2012-11-02
Packaged: 2017-11-17 13:58:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 600
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/552302
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jabraille/pseuds/Midnight%20Mouse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <cite>When the heart breaks its tether, where does it go?</cite>
</p><p> </p><p>A series of impressionistic drabbles, using a common plot thread to tie together the tail end of "Requiem for Methuselah" (3:19/74), the halfway point of “Turnabout Intruder” (3:24/79), and all the episodes between. Written while (or immediately after) watching the inspiring episodes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prolog

**Author's Note:**

> Set near the end of "Requiem for Methuselah" (3:19/74).

They ambled through space, again, trailing lovelorn tears, again—only this time the tears were his. His eyes focused on a point too distant to be seen. He breathed. He spoke sometimes, his words scraping the floor. Soon he gently wilted, his head in his hands.

The act was so simple, so pure; it slipped through logic’s fingers. As he touched that troubled brow, murmured the word with tender authority, Kirk’s subtle subconscious smirk snapped one taut thread. McCoy might have called it _the heartstring_ with some degree of accuracy.

* * *

When the heart breaks its tether, where does it go?


	2. Eden

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Set at... some point... during "The Way to Eden" (3:20/75).

Kirk grinned over his brandy. “They’re almost as intolerable as _you_ , Spock. I’m surprised you haven’t joined them.”

“I confess that certain among their beliefs appeal to me.” Spock raised his hand from the strings to Kirk’s cheek. “Their approach to love is... fascinating.”

Neither watched the glass break.

* * *

When Kirk began to shudder, Spock felt for his pulse and found silent wracking sobs.

“Are you hurt, Jim?”

Their hands tangled helplessly as Kirk reached, clung, muscle against muscle, desperately anchored.

“I’m unfit for command,” he choked.

Spock cupped his cheek.

_Forget._

* * *

A glass shard filled his palm with blood.


	3. Elevate

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Set at various intervals during "The Cloud Minders" (3:21/76).

His ears collected and concentrated inaudible frequencies and the sound of fabric brushing across the floor, yet the first he heard of the attack was Kirk’s casual “Spock?”

Useful tools make crude weapons, and cruel wounds.

* * *

“You look troubled, Spock.” He perched on bed’s edge. “That worries me.”  
“It is my duty to protect you, captain.”  
“I’ve seen no dereliction.”  
Spock twined his fingers with Kirk’s. “You may yet, Jim. Forgive me.”  
He could have fallen into Kirk’s eyes.

* * *

He carried him to the other bed. His hand splayed over softly fluttering eyelids.

* * *

_I am ashamed even of my shame._


	4. Rift

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Set at points throughout "The Savage Curtain" (3:22/77).

His gaze rested on Kirk for two breaths. A deep scan might reveal anything.

* * *

The captain glowed in gold braid. Spock considered himself briefly. Blue suited him.

Perhaps it did not matter.

* * *

His pulses increased. What else could Surak read in him?

* * *

“Are we truly so distant, Spock?”

He raised an eyebrow. “We, captain?”

“We who call ourselves good.” Kirk’s back was to him. “And they whom we call... evil.”

His arms closed the distance.

* * *

“I intended no harm, Jim.”

He pressed Spock’s hand to his face. Spock felt pain knotted around his eyes.

“Please, Spock,” he whispered. “I can’t.”


	5. Winter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Touches on points of "All Our Yesterdays" (3:23/78).

McCoy meant so much to them—to Jim—where was Jim?

He had to rescue him. Them. They? Too cold to think. McCoy was too cold. Ice on his eyelashes. He looked old, too old, too cold.

Where was Jim?

* * *

_We cannot go back._

_Will we forget? She remembers. Enough to survive. Survival is enough._

_Where—_

_Nowhere. Only here._

_Only her._

* * *

Holding Bones by the throat, he tried to receive the doctor’s words. What did he want?

What did _he_ want?

He had forgotten Jim’s face.

“I have lost myself.” He was cold. “I do not know who I am.”


	6. Trial

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Punctuates the first half of "Turnabout Intruder" (3:24/79).

It was her gait that betrayed her: straight-legged, stiff and precise. Kirk _swaggered_.

Kirk’s anger could spike, but always with a tempered point. Kirk was steel. She was a nova.

She perched on the captain’s chair self-consciously. He was unstudied, authentic. He lounged. Even in his body, the chair dwarfed her.

* * *

He could have told her anything. She could have learned anything. She could be insane, drugged, lobotomized, programmed. Experience only added possibilities.

Only one quality could distinguish the true captain.

Spock searched for the echoes.

_Did you forget, Jim?_

Her eyes were clear. _His_ eyes.

_I have forgotten.  
Almost._


End file.
